I've been feeling a bit down with depression/anxiety recently

It generally comes and goes from time to time but when it does come it hits me like a tonne of bricks. I think the worst part about it from my own experience is the fact that I have absolutely no motivation to do anything, I could easily sit in the same uncomfortable posture for hours and the time passed doesn't even phase me. I don't think of anything particular at the time, it's more of a imprace it and wallow in self hatred type thing or I'm just totally numb and I might as well be awake with my eyes open. I remember feeling so on top of the world this time last year - high on life, it feels so far away to where I stand now. I can't pin point why I feel like this, but I know my confidence is back to beyond non existant. All I want to do is stay indoors and be with kaytee. I feel guilty for not going outside, not following plans and just not being sociable, but the oomph so to speak just isn't there right now. I don't like talking about it out loud, I worry that the great deal of people who aren't aware think bad of me, that I'm rude or something of the sort if I don't stop to speak in the street, when I'm actually in a state of panic that I'm going to make a complete idiot of myself some how that would make you think that I'm the dirt on your shoe. Sounds a bit over the top, right? And you may question: Why should I even care what anybodies opinion is of me? I wish I didn't, it would make my life a lot less stressful, but I guess it's thanks to my lack of confidence and self respect. I see myself as an annoyance and a laughing stock, so I presume that everyone else sees the same and only puts up with me until something better comes along. Again, over the top. I know this is not the case, but my horrible mind won't let me settle for anything more. I'm growing tired of this endless war, is it ever going to stop? Who am I now and who will I be when I come out of this?

Ugh, my head hurts.

Fear

I wanna talk about the things that scare me today, I think fear is something that holds me back from doing a lot of things.

In general, I'm a bit of a wus when it comes to facing my fears (when I say a bit, I mean a big bit!) I either end up mixing up all my words so it sounds like I've made up my own language or I completely break down. The simplest of tasks like phoning up the hairdressers for an appointment is like asking me to run for prime minister! 9 times out of 10 I'll put something off with a silly excuse, which majority of the time I trick myself into believing. So I then put it to the back of my mind and retreat to the 'safe' state of mind, but it doesn't shake off the weight of knowing I need to do it at some point and as time passes, the weight gets heavier. I don't want to be like this, I dream of being confident to do all of the things that scare me and beyond.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this post, I suppose it's just something I needed to get off my chest?

Love and light xxxxx

My first post

Hello! My name is Becky :)

I wanted to start writing more starting this year; I often find that I have a lot going on in my mind, sometimes I'm oblivious to it, and so I thought maybe writing it down may help me find some clarity.

How has 2015 been treating you so far? I moved into my fiancé's home with her parents at the start of January and I'm so happy here, I've never felt so 'at home' anywhere else. But of course we're itching to find our own home, I think that runs through my mind more than anything else at the moment. To have our own space and fill it up with love and happy memories, to have our own kitchen where we can make cheesy nachos at 3 in the morning without bothering anybody, our own bathroom where I can take a bath whenever I want without feeling like I'm taking too long... You get the idea. Everything will fall into place in its own time, I'm just too impatient, hehe.

I mentioned my fiancé earlier; her name is Kaytee, we have been together for almost 3 years and I am still so smitten with the girl like when we first got together. She is just fantastic, thanks to her I feel that I have become a much more better person and she still continues to make me feel this way today. We are often together, we've both survived some pretty shitty previous relationships and I think we lean on each other for pretty much everything and that's why we work so well, we're always laughing at something, doing some dumb shenanigans or nattering about everything and everything. She is my first female relationship, I've known I've had a soft spot for girls since I was quite young and I have had plenty of girl crushes, but Kaytee is perfect. Not only is she simply gorgeous and I want to kiss her 24/7, but she's my best friend too ❤

I work within a mystery shopping company, listening to mystery shopping telephone calls and assessing them. Sounds pretty boring but honestly, I love it. Once I got into the swing of things, it's quite a simple job and I have make some wonderful new friends. I worked in a supermarket for almost 7 years before and I swear that job almost mentally killed me. To me, the contrast within those two jobs is insane; at Morrisons I felt very trapped, anxious, extremely unhappy and that every day was exactly the same as the last, but at PiP the environment is so relaxed and laid back, everyone is very welcoming and I hope I will be working for them for as long as I can.

I find that I'm often at war (if you like) with myself, nothing sets in stone and I'm mentally all over the place. I put myself down a lot, my confidence comes and goes. I'm recovering from anxiety and depression which I think has rooted in me since a young age. I'm constantly wishing that I could be somebody else because I feel so lost and frustrated being in my own skin. I have found yoga, Buddhism and mindfulness have been a tremendous help and I aspire to keep it up for as long as I can, but it doesn't stop the niggling doubt in my mind that I'm a worthless, stupid and pathetic piece of shit. Maybe one day I'll find the loving kindness I desperately need for myself but in the mean time, I'm taking each day at a time.

We'll, I can't think of much else that I need to say today, so I wish you all a wonderful day :)

Love, light and good vibes xxx