My first post

Hello! My name is Becky :)

I wanted to start writing more starting this year; I often find that I have a lot going on in my mind, sometimes I'm oblivious to it, and so I thought maybe writing it down may help me find some clarity.

How has 2015 been treating you so far? I moved into my fiancé's home with her parents at the start of January and I'm so happy here, I've never felt so 'at home' anywhere else. But of course we're itching to find our own home, I think that runs through my mind more than anything else at the moment. To have our own space and fill it up with love and happy memories, to have our own kitchen where we can make cheesy nachos at 3 in the morning without bothering anybody, our own bathroom where I can take a bath whenever I want without feeling like I'm taking too long... You get the idea. Everything will fall into place in its own time, I'm just too impatient, hehe.

I mentioned my fiancé earlier; her name is Kaytee, we have been together for almost 3 years and I am still so smitten with the girl like when we first got together. She is just fantastic, thanks to her I feel that I have become a much more better person and she still continues to make me feel this way today. We are often together, we've both survived some pretty shitty previous relationships and I think we lean on each other for pretty much everything and that's why we work so well, we're always laughing at something, doing some dumb shenanigans or nattering about everything and everything. She is my first female relationship, I've known I've had a soft spot for girls since I was quite young and I have had plenty of girl crushes, but Kaytee is perfect. Not only is she simply gorgeous and I want to kiss her 24/7, but she's my best friend too ❤

I work within a mystery shopping company, listening to mystery shopping telephone calls and assessing them. Sounds pretty boring but honestly, I love it. Once I got into the swing of things, it's quite a simple job and I have make some wonderful new friends. I worked in a supermarket for almost 7 years before and I swear that job almost mentally killed me. To me, the contrast within those two jobs is insane; at Morrisons I felt very trapped, anxious, extremely unhappy and that every day was exactly the same as the last, but at PiP the environment is so relaxed and laid back, everyone is very welcoming and I hope I will be working for them for as long as I can.

I find that I'm often at war (if you like) with myself, nothing sets in stone and I'm mentally all over the place. I put myself down a lot, my confidence comes and goes. I'm recovering from anxiety and depression which I think has rooted in me since a young age. I'm constantly wishing that I could be somebody else because I feel so lost and frustrated being in my own skin. I have found yoga, Buddhism and mindfulness have been a tremendous help and I aspire to keep it up for as long as I can, but it doesn't stop the niggling doubt in my mind that I'm a worthless, stupid and pathetic piece of shit. Maybe one day I'll find the loving kindness I desperately need for myself but in the mean time, I'm taking each day at a time.

We'll, I can't think of much else that I need to say today, so I wish you all a wonderful day :)

Love, light and good vibes xxx