It generally comes and goes from time to time but when it does come it hits me like a tonne of bricks. I think the worst part about it from my own experience is the fact that I have absolutely no motivation to do anything, I could easily sit in the same uncomfortable posture for hours and the time passed doesn't even phase me. I don't think of anything particular at the time, it's more of a imprace it and wallow in self hatred type thing or I'm just totally numb and I might as well be awake with my eyes open. I remember feeling so on top of the world this time last year - high on life, it feels so far away to where I stand now. I can't pin point why I feel like this, but I know my confidence is back to beyond non existant. All I want to do is stay indoors and be with kaytee. I feel guilty for not going outside, not following plans and just not being sociable, but the oomph so to speak just isn't there right now. I don't like talking about it out loud, I worry that the great deal of people who aren't aware think bad of me, that I'm rude or something of the sort if I don't stop to speak in the street, when I'm actually in a state of panic that I'm going to make a complete idiot of myself some how that would make you think that I'm the dirt on your shoe. Sounds a bit over the top, right? And you may question: Why should I even care what anybodies opinion is of me? I wish I didn't, it would make my life a lot less stressful, but I guess it's thanks to my lack of confidence and self respect. I see myself as an annoyance and a laughing stock, so I presume that everyone else sees the same and only puts up with me until something better comes along. Again, over the top. I know this is not the case, but my horrible mind won't let me settle for anything more. I'm growing tired of this endless war, is it ever going to stop? Who am I now and who will I be when I come out of this?
Ugh, my head hurts.
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